The Personal Research Project
The problem with knowing how to find everything is that sometimes you do.
I want to start by saying that this story has no moral, no lesson, there was nothing learnt from this experience and I’m not very proud of it, but I’m not very embarrassed either. It’s just something that happened; and my dear readers will likely relate to it.
I’m a professional researcher, using OSINT (open-source intelligence) methods. My focus is on human rights, and I’ve spent many years researching my topic in an academic context and then for non-profits and think tanks. I think I’m good at it. I received training in and practice high work standards, including following ethical guidelines and being compassionate and sensitive where the project requires.
Sometimes, my eye for detail and determination to find answers is very useful in my personal life as well.
For example, I recently had a small surgery. The medical issue and type of surgery I had is not at all relevant here. But the way in which I did research is highly entertaining if you’re curious about my psyche.
Before contacting my doctor, I had done extensive online research, seen all the diagrams of the issue from all the possible angles, examined myself in every way possible, and essentially knew what my diagnosis was. With this in mind, I looked for the foremost expert on this issue and contacted the very experienced Dr V, who is a national leader in this area of surgery, to perform a minor procedure on me. He agreed with my assessment, which affirmed my research skills, and I was glad to be in the hands of someone so experienced and renowned in operating this body part.
Between our consultation and the day of the surgery, I needed to know everything possible about Dr V. I found his page on the hospital’s website, as well as the previous hospital where he had worked, which showed his continual professional ascent. I found his Instagram, which had photos of himself and his colleagues in operating rooms and at conferences. I found his LinkedIn, which I cross-referenced with the rest, to draw a clear timeline of his education and surgical career.
By the time I was pushed into the operation theatre, I felt very reassured that this was the best possible surgeon to handle my routine 20-minute procedure, and I felt that I knew everything publicly available about him. Everything went well and I’ve fully recovered since.
I am self-aware enough to know that this is not a normal level of detail to explore regarding my surgeon’s background. However, I really did find it reassuring and I think many of my readers will relate to it.
Maybe you use ChatGPT or another AI tool to assist you, or you prefer social media over search engines, and you may have a different obsession to me. For better or worse, many of us have refined our research skills and use them for very specific, personal reasons.
A more objective psychoanalysis might reveal that I struggle to trust others and need to use vast amounts of data to reassure myself. I should have reminded myself that my surgeon was a qualified and experienced professional equipped to help me. Nevertheless, investigating his background to such a granular level was a process that I frankly enjoyed, and helped me reach a level of calm that was helpful before my surgery. Maybe he shouldn’t have all this information online if he doesn’t want people to see it. And anyway, I didn’t find where he lives or whether he has a partner or children. I’m not a psycho!
When I saw him for our check-up several weeks after the surgery, I managed to hold back from asking how his recent conference in England was though. I try to be respectful to people when speaking face to face, you know?
As you can imagine, I apply these research skills to all areas of my life, and of course, I need to know absolutely everything possible about the person I’m dating.
When I met K, six months ago, I asked for his full name and searched for him as soon as I went home after our first date. I think I even did it on the way home. Honestly, the date was lovely: he was attractive, polite, funny, laid back…all the qualities that I’m attracted to. We had a fun time together and I hoped to see him again soon.
So, what was I doing, was it to reassure myself like I did with the surgeon? My reader, would you do this, too, is it a normal thing? Does it even help me to know whether this is normal or not? Maybe I was protecting myself by making sure I’m not dating someone who has been in the news or has a scary online presence. Or maybe the date went well, and I was looking for problems with this man, to tell myself that I don’t deserve good things, so I must figure out what is wrong with him? Maybe both? Anyway, it happened, and I overthink so many things already, I simply don’t have the capacity to explore this as well.
To his credit, I couldn’t find anything at all about K when I searched for him. He has a common enough name that several other individuals appeared, and, like me, he is very interested in data security and doesn’t have a lot of personal information or social media accounts publicly available.
Being the thorough researcher that I am, I told K that I searched for him and couldn’t find anything. He smiled and said, “I thought you might do that when you asked for my full name.” I asked him to spell out his surname for me, which he did, and it turned out I had one letter wrong, but even then, my search results included a long list of people that were not K.
He asked me all the same questions, and we searched for me on his phone while we cuddled on the sofa. I have a very unique name and the results were identifiable. However, they were all results that I was expecting and were all related to my professional life. I was relieved to see nothing private or surprising.
I let go of my K research project and gave up for a while. I thought that maybe I’d met my match when it came to data privacy.
I thought about this sometimes. Most of the time, I tried to be in the present, enjoying our moments together and learning about K as he chose to share with me, rather than from online stalking. This is how I wanted him to know me, so I thought I should extend the same respect to him. Things went really well.
One day, as we were talking about work and the business he founded, I asked K, “what is your company’s name?” He told me its unique name, how it was sort of a pun, and more background about the founding of his company. I listened closely, thinking about how I finally had my big break.
The minute K walked out of my home; I opened my laptop and searched for his company. Not only did I do a simple search, but I also typed the letters into the business registration database. I found everything and more.
I found out that yes, K did establish and own his business, and yes, it did do the services he had told me about. The dates matched the stories he shared. Great.
I read every single year’s financial statements. They were generic, he probably does some kind of tax evasion, the legal kind of course, because the numbers earned don’t match his comfortable lifestyle. I would restructure my company to pay less tax, I think, but I don’t have my own company so it’s an entitled thought experiment. Doesn’t everyone do this anyway?
I also found a woman who was the co-founder, and at one stage they were registered at the same address. It looks like she is still on the company documents. Do they work together? Is this the ex that he rarely mentions and reassured me about? I thought about this a lot. I don’t know what to do. This time, the extensive research is not reassuring at all. I’ve come to terms with the information I found and I’m waiting (or hoping) for the day when K shares more about his story and about his ex.
Some of the stories and details he’s shared since have confirmed information I found on that day. He wasn’t hiding those things from me, they just hadn’t come up in conversation, and there wasn’t the right moment to ask. These were irrelevant things, but when I heard them, it was somehow reassuring to think that he confirmed my research. I acted surprised and intrigued, of course.
I feel like I can’t tell him I’m paranoid about the information I found on the database. It’s too much, right? I’d love to hear your comments and what you would do, my dearest readers.